The Turtle

Big news. Exciting news. While out on my ride today, I came across a turtle on the side of the road. Don’t ask me what kind of turtle because I won’t have an answer. Nor do I care about what kind of turtle this turtle was, this green, angry turtle on the side of the road. I’m not an expert on turtles, so we’re just going to have to accept the fact that it was a generic, unclassified turtle.

Now that we have that out of the way, here’s the turtle:



Not a bad-looking turtle, right? When was the last time you saw such a good-looking amphibian? (Are turtles amphibians?) I moved a bit closer for a better shot:



“If you’re thinking of crossing,” I explained to the turtle, checking traffic, “you might as well do it now.”

No answer. Obviously, this turtle had a bit of an attitude problem. I spent a moment deciding if I should take it up with him (it could have been a her, but judging from the look on the turtle’s face, I’d say it was a him) but then dropped the idea. No sense trying to dissuade a turtle from a nasty attitude. Instead, I considered picking up the turtle and walking him across the street to avoid turtle-kill, although this turtle could have been a snapper. I know I just said I don’t know what kind of turtle it was, but I’ve heard about snapper turtles and judging from the spike-like knobs lining its tail, I thought it might be a snapper and snappers are known to snap off fingers considering they usually feed on fish, lizards, women, and small children. Needless to say, attempting to pick up the turtle was out of the question.

Yet rather than continue along my way on Hunterbrook Road and leave the turtle to his own devices, I decided to have a bit of fun. Placing my bike against a nearby telephone pole, I took out my phone again, the phone equipped with the camera, and moved as close to the turtle as I felt comfortable. It was time for a turtle fashion shoot. Holding out the camera, I leaned in.

“Give me sexy, baby!”



“Give me pouty!”



“Give me sultry!”



“Give me angry!”



When it comes to fun, turtles are anti-fun. I couldn’t even get this guy to crack a hint of a smile. “Dude,” I told him. “You suck.”

Then I left him alone and continued along, minding nobody’s business but my own.

Apart from the turtle, I made a few changes to my usual solo ride up here in Westchester. I added a few lefts and a few rights, bringing the mileage up to fifty-five, which I finished in a hair over three hours at an average 16 MPH pace. Major kick in the ass, but fun. I had been considering possibly joining the ride on Staten Island this morning, but now that gas is almost $16 a gallon, I figured my bank account would thank me if I kept my activities local today.

And that’s it. I don’t know if anybody’s seen this video yet, but it’s funny. Terrible, but funny.

Break It Down