Thomas Voeckler = Stupid Douchebag

Is it me, or is this guy the biggest douchebag in the sport of professional cycling?



It’s not just me. I’ve been watching the Giro almost every day since the race started a few weeks ago and based on the calls I’ve made, the emails I’ve sent, and the people with whom I’ve conferred on a daily basis all agree that Thomas Voeckler is, indeed, the biggest douchebag in all of professional cycling.

For starters, he looks like a pre-pubescent adolescent still trying to determine the direction of his sexuality. I’d be willing to bet Voeckler doesn’t spend all that much time holding a shaving razor to his face although I would be willing to bet that French son-of-a-bitch spends an inordinate amount of time in front of the mirror working on his “I’m going on the attack with 3K to go” grimace. And if you’re unsure which grimace I’m referring to, this is the one:



Looks a bit rehearsed, doesn’t it? If you’re going to grimace when you ride, you might as well make sure it’s authentic, like this guy:



That’s what brings me to this post. As stated, I’ve been watching the Giro pretty much every day and guess who jumps from the front of the peloton with a few kilometers left in most of the flat stages?

Douchebag Thomas Voeckler.

Imagine you’re part of Mark Cavendish’s lead-out train. You’re at the front with 5K to go, you’ve got your hands in the drops, your SRM is reading somewhere in the range of 400 - 600 watts, and you’re thinking, “We’ve got this,” when you see a little douchebag of a rider in a bland aqua kit sprinting down the road all on his own. No doubt you’ve seen this before. As a matter of fact, the same little douchebag tried the same thing yesterday and the day before and while he’s been caught EVERY SINGLE TIME he tries this, he’s apparently not the sharpest tool in the shed because, lo and behold, here his is trying it again.

Now I don’t know about you, but if I were pulling along the entire peloton near the end of a race and some little dickhead like Voeckler went off and tried to attack, I’d be pretty pissed off. To me, Voeckler seems like that annoying gnat that just keeps circling your head no matter how many times you try to swat it away. I have to imagine he realizes there’s no way they’re going to let him get away every time he tries one of his inside-10K-dumbass-moves, so perhaps he just does it for the TV exposure back home in France. I can imagine the cycling fan conversation . . .

“Voulez-vous des poo-poo, monseiur. Did you see petit Voeckler ahier--”

“Oui, oui, that petit douchebag. So very stoo-peede, no? Je pense--”

“In-cruh-dee-bla that douchebag still has a job with a team like--”

Lester and An Upgrade to Category 4

So last week, my coach emails me: "You've been on the bike plenty the past few weeks. You should think about upgrading to Category 4."

My immediate response was (in my head), "Are you nuts?" So I wrote back, "I don't know, but if you think it's a good idea, I can request the upgrade from USA Cycling."

My coach responds with, "There isn't much of a fitness difference from Cat 5 to Cat 4," which, to me, is a total bunch of bullsh*t. This guy wants me to upgrade simply so that have a big, heavy-duty guy who can make a hell of a draft to start their lead-out train in the Category 4 races.

Apparently, I'm going to be that guy. How utterly thrilling, but honestly, it is kind of fun to be a part of a strategy to help a team win.

With that said, I applied for the upgrade so I'm now racing the Category 4 field and my first race in Cat 4 was going to happen this morning at the NY Criterium at Floyd Bennett Field. When the alarm went off at 6 AM this morning and I could barely see the building across the street through the window due to all the fog, I immediately got back under the covers. As much as I love riding my bike and as much as I often enjoy racing, I don't get paid to do this stuff. If it's raining and I don't race today, I'll simply race another day. No big deal, so I wasn't about to drag myself out of the apartment and drive all the way to FBF for a potentially wet race.

I bring all this up as, after dinner this evening, I was on Facebook and spotted a friends picture uploads from the foggy race this morning. Take a look at this pic. That's Lester on the left, right? Here--have a look.



That's him, right? Now that I'm in his field (category 4, I'll probably have some fun and see if he wants to try and get into a break with me), I'm looking forward to racing with the guy, or at least sitting in his aftershave-filled draft for as long as possible.

And unfortunately, I don't think Lester won. Here's a picture of the finish, but my friend posted this under the pic:



"Adam Duncan leading the field sprint. I think that Organic rider was lapped and not in it."

Kloden, Coke, Boonen, and the Giro

So how about that Tom Boonen, huh? Busted for using cocaine a second time in a single year? This “hot on the heels” of his third Paris-Roubaix win a few weeks ago.



You know, I’m tempted to say, “Sucker,” although that would be easy, wouldn’t it? It would be easy to just pass judgment on the totally badass dude and say something to he effect of, “God, all that talent and he’s doing coke?”

Like I said, it would be easy to say that, but how many of us actually know the guy? How many of us can say they understand the nuances, pressure, etc., of being a world-class cyclist? The fact of the matter is, the guy gives us what we want. Sure, he’s a cyclist, but he’s also a performer. Did anyone see the 2009 Paris-Roubaix on Versus? Granted, some of Boonen’s main rivals crashed in the last twenty kilometers, but in my opinion (and, as we all know, it’s all about my opinion around here, isn’t it?), that argument doesn’t hold water. Why not? Because Boonen could’ve crashed himself, but he didn’t? The rest of his competitors, who should be just as skilled in bike handling as any professional, hit the deck and not through the fault of any other riders. Thor Hushovd was right there at the end but he slid and crashed, leaving Boonen to solo away to the finish line.

My point? That kid put his head down, went balls-to-the-wall, and gave us the show every single fan wanted to see that day. He obliterated his competition. Every single person reading this page can’t even begin to conceive of riding that hard, for that long, over that kind of terrain, matched up against the best cyclists in the world, and I say all that to say: if the kid wants to blow off a few rails of coke now and again, that’s his freaking business.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem the rest of the world sees it that way. According to the UCI, they don’t give a rat’s ass (as they shouldn’t), but apparently, everybody else does, including Christian Prudhomme (who’s last name I can’t help but hear in my head with this ridiculous French accent, as in PROO-DOHM). The Tour de France director has stated that Boonen will not be invited to the 2009 Tour which, to me, is people just passing judgment.

(I get that there’s the whole “we’ve an image to protect” argument when it comes to something like the Tour and then you get the kids involved, as in, “Well, we need to project the right image to the young cycling fans,” and all that crap, but if you wiped away most of the “image” in this world and everyone and everything showed their true colors, what you’d be left with is something like a 63 / 37 hypocrisy to bullshit ratio.)

Then there’s the Kraut, Andreas Kloden, who has apparently just been named in a doping report, something I found on Velonews last night.



Does this come as a surprise to anyone? This is the guy who’s been a front-runner in the Tour de France almost every year and has ridden for teams that have been doping their riders for freaking years. Like everyone else (except Lance . . . did I say that?), it’s only a matter of time before you get busted if you do shit like that.

Speaking of which, I remember years ago, I put up a post on a recreational cycling message board online, something to the effect of: “Think of it this way. All the guys Lance beat were doping. Is it possible Lance wasn’t doping himself? Sure. Is it likely? NOT REALLY!”

The Lance fans attacked hot and heavy and the one line I remember most clearly was from some yucca out in the middle of nowhere who said, “Obviously, you have no idea what you’re talking about.”

I love how, when threatened, some people drop the idea of debate all together and simply choose to rabidly discredit the other side with insults which, I believe, is kind of how Democrats go about their business . . . D’OH! Just kidding. Well, I’m not really kidding, but that conversation is neither here nor there.

Anyway, Universal Sports has been covering the Giro d’Italia. Two whole hours of coverage every single day. Has everybody been keeping up with this? Has everyone been watching the two former dopers, Ivan Basso and Danilo DiLuca, tearing things up on the first two mountain stages? I wonder if they’re still doping. Hmm, I wonder just how they go so fast uphill for so long, especially when you see powerhouses like Jens Voigt getting dropped on those same hills. If anything, I guess it should tell us that one can be competitive in professional cycling without having to stick a needle in your ass, just not in the mountains.

Is That Lester? The Crazy Polish Guy?

The other day, I was updating the Jim Boyd points page on CRCA.net when I spotted this name on the bottom of the list for the B Field. Check it out. (If you can't see the name on the bottom of the list clearly, just click on the picture and it'll expand.)



I think it was last summer that I bumped into Lester in Central Park. I even wrote a quick post about it and you can read about that here. So again, when I saw that Polish-looking name on the bottom of the list, I thought, "You know, that might be crazy Lester from Staten Island."

With that tucked away in the back of my head, I was online last night checking results and pics from the recent Jiminy Peak road race and, sure enough, I find this which, to me, looks a lot like Lester, doesn't it?



Am I right or am I wrong? I was sitting here thinking, "That's gotta be him."

A little further down the page, I see another pic, but the guy's not riding Lester's usual yellow Trek. Anyone know if Lester upgraded to this blue machine?



Further, it's hard for me to tell if it actually is Lester from this photo considering (a) I usually only see him from behind (which means I smell him more than I see him with all that aftershave), and (b) this guy's in the small chainring. When was the last time you saw Lester in the small chainring?

Finally, on the bottom of the page, I found a final picture that might be Lester yet considering the paragraph immediately above this one, I just can't tell if it's actually him.



I mean, that's him, right? Can someone let me know?

Brilliant Copywriting

I know I'm not the only one who, upon seeing the advertisement below, has asked him or herself, "This can't be right."



Ridiculously expensive? Am I reading that correctly? An ad for a product that plays on how expensive it is?

From what I understand, Speedplay (the people who make these pedals) are located in San Diego, so they're aware of the current economic climate facing most of the world, especially here in the United States. With that said, why the F#CK would you run an print ad that includes copy that reads, "Ridiculously Expensive?"

I'm thinking someone at Speedplay managed to seriously piss off their copywriter a few days before the magazines went to production.