Landis wins 2006 Tour de France

After riding the non-stop hills in Central Park every evening (which is a far cry from the Alps, I realize, but work with me here), it’s a nice change to put down some miles in the flats, which is exactly what Mr. Ken Picco and I accomplished yesterday morning.

Actually, I’m not so sure if I would slap a “flat” label on Gateway National Park in Staten Island. Not that the park has any hills, although understandably, when I say “flats,” it sort of sounds as if we rode through miles upon miles of flat fields surrounded by millions of stalks of corn. Gateway’s flat, all right, although it’s only about a mile and a half long, so you ride in, turn around, ride out, and do it all over again--no corn, no sunflowers, and no strawberry fields.

The original plan included south Jersey with Mr. Picco’s brother, Mr. Eddie Picco (is his full name Edward, or just Eddie? I don’t think I’ve ever thought to ask, although I have asked, “When you were a kid and spotted a yellow school bus, did you think ‘Board of Ed’ had anything to do with you?”) which would have been nice if not for the fact that (a) the skies were threatening rain, and (b) Mr. Eddie Picco had to work, so nix on riding in the strawberry fields of Cranbury, New Jersey.

After a short phone call with Mr. Ken Picco at eight yesterday morning--during which KP229 sounded as if he had as much enthusiasm for cycling as Courtney Love has for rehab--we decided on a multi-lap ride (sounds a lot more sophisticated than it really is, doesn’t it?) in Gateway. By ten, we were geared up and leaving for the park, dark clouds over our heads (how poetic).

Fortunately, the less than desirable weather worked to our advantage in that the park was relatively quiet in terms of traffic. Often, KP229 and I were able to ride side-by-side, which felt appropriate considering Floyd Landis today won the 2006 Tour de France after a leisurely 96-mile ride into Paris (can you even conceive of a 96-mile ride feeling leisurely?). Rather than sip champagne as we rode, KP229 blew me a few kisses while I cranked out a few farts, although I made sure to only release my deadly gasses while Kenny rode behind me. As a result of my noxious fumes, I was able to keep Mr. Ken Picco from drafting my rear wheel, ensuring he worked just as hard as I did in the headwind as we rode away from the beach.

Perhaps this is how Lance Armstrong managed to win seven consecutive Tour de France races? As it is with most things in life, it’s certainly possible, isn’t it? Can you imagine the headlines?

LANCE WINS FIFTH TOUR, THANKS TEAM AND CHEVY’S TEX MEX.

Geez, I’m on a roll tonight.

Anyway, we put in twenty miles. We could’ve ridden harder than we did, but give us a break. It was Sunday, the Lord’s Day, which means cyclists are forbidden from sweating profusely for more than fifteen minutes. Regardless, let this serve as warning to Mr. Ken Picco. We are going to begin riding with a much higher frequency (we really means you, buddy), young man. Later this year, I’m thinking of investing in a mountain bike so once the weather begins to turn, we can throw on some fleeces, some leg warmers, and really begin tearing shit up off-road. By the time we reach summer next year, you’ll be wearing a jersey that reads American BAD-ASS and sipping champagne from your insulated water bottle during the last ten laps of our weekly sixty-mile rides. And if you’re thinking otherwise, I’m going to have a little gift for you in the coming 1-2 weeks that should put you in the right mindset to ride more often (and it’s not EPO).

Finally, I bought some new pedals--cheap, black, flat, plastic pedals that I can use when I’m simply cruising through the city streets so I don’t have to bother with clipping and unclipping my road shoes. Unclipping my left foot at every red light really annoys the ever-loving-shit out of me.

Also, the Barnes & Noble on 86th Street is selling classic literature on CD at great prices. I spotted Charles Dickens’ Tale of Two Cities--12 CDs, 13.5 hours--for $19.95. For an audio book, that’s a bargain. I think it would be fun to catch up on some of the classics while riding, but that’s just me.